Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
