Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
