it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
