this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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