Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Randomize
