1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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