is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize