Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
