he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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