Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
