i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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