dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
