so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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