How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize