there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
