My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
