I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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