But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
