I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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