This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
