This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
