when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
