I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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