I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
