Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
