i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
