i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
