my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
God, I missed his penis.
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