She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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