Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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