Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
