Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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