Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
