I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
