yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
