THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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