I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We were destined to go to rehab together
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
