I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
