im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
