it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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