I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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