I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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