We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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