you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
