I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
it's like iHOP with fire
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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