someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
