She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
