Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well I just put wine in my tea
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize