Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
