The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize