Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
