It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
