he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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