i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
