Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
