sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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