I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
