Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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