I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Enjoy the penises
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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